Hiatus
I’m going to sign myself into the hospital again. This will be my third time in a year, but I’m having mixed and severe episodes to the point of becoming suicidal again. I know I’m strong enough to get it under control, I just need help so wish me luck.
Excited
I’ve been thinking for a long time (re: a few years) about going back to school, but it’s been hard to pick a major, school, and find something I can afford. Originally, I was a Journalism major at PSU. Then I switched over to English Education/Psychology. Later I contemplated going back to nursing school at LHU, but that is expensive and I’m not sure I’d even be allowed to work around all the meds after my overdose. So finally…
Next month I am going back to school to become a Certified Phlebotomy Tech. The class is 90 hours- 30 classroom and 60 for clinical. It’s going to be way nervewracking and probably hard, at least at first, but a good challenge and social atmosphere is what I need right now 
Oh little Debbie, how I love your pink and white heart shaped cupcakes. I could probably eat a box in a whole night if my appetite hadn’t drastically gone down hill.
Last night I went to pack my bags to go back to the hospital, but I had to go through the crisis center, an ambulance, etc. and I wasn’t having that so I made it through the night to call my doctor today.
The nurse up there is the rudest person I’ve ever seen- even my mom commented on what a bad attitude she had toward me. My regular Psychiatrist (who I don’t like to see, I see his asst.) wouldn’t change my meds since I have an appt. next week but he wrote me out 1mg of Ativan to take 3 times a day. So far so good.
I’m trying to get her to put me on Depakote which is supposed to be a better mood stabalizer for mixed episodes, and back on Lamictal which seemed to help the most. Otherwise, I’m finding new doctors. I told them before when I was on the same meds they weren’t working, and here I am again, feeling low, and they don’t want to listen.
The nurse told me I could go to the ER but they probably wouldn’t admit me anyway inpatient. Apparently she doesn’t know the things I do when I know I can’t deal with life anymore *smacks her*
So here’s to waiting until Wednesday.
Stay Puft.
So my camera won’t transfer any of my birthday photos from my memory card onto my computer. Or from my memory card slot to my computer. It’s really irking me, grr. My mom took me shopping & out for Chinese, we had pizza and cake, my best friend and I went to the Olive Garden for dinner yesterday and did a little shopping. It was calm and low key, but fun for being 23.
Otherwise I’m drinking sprite and mountain dew by the gallon I swear. I can drink 6 cans of sprite a day (I rarely drink caffeinated drinks) and still be thirsty. We’ve checked to see if there’s anything wrong but the tests were good. My feet look swollen though so I dunno. My mom also took the liberty of telling me how I’ve been gaining a lot of weight on my meds. Needless to say, today I went to Walmart and bought oodles of healthy food. Otherwise I’m going to soon look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man from Ghostbusters.
Sigh.
Birthday Week Part 2
I wanted to say (aka blog) something so bad because I’m ridiculously impatient but here he is, my birthday “surprise”:
His name is Twilight- yes after that horribly stupid awful vampire movie 
It just fits with his blue eyes and markings I think.
And birthday roses!
Tomorrow is bowling/happy hour, Friday is pizza with whipped cake and dancing with my girls, and Saturday is a birthday dinner at the Texas Roadhouse and shopping with my best friend. I’ll have lots of pics to share I’m sure
My new camera is awesome. It has macro/super macro modes along with a bajillion others. I’ll never get bored. Also feeling a little better with new meds. I take the Abilify/Zoloft at night to help me sleep.
In other news, it’s birthday week!!!!!!!!
Not til Friday, but I’ll celebrate early if I want!
Here we go again..
Last night I was sitting in the living room when my mom asked me if I was okay for about the twentieth time. I responded by tearing up heavily and telling her “I don’t feel good, and I know they’re going to send me back to the hospital.” And then came the waterfall.
Yesterday was the closest I’ve come to being back where I “started.” Back to when I overdosed (actually, for the second time). My mom calmly assured me “we can go to the hospital tonight if you think that’s what you need.” But I am so afraid to do that again. Actually, I’m afraid of everything. Leaving the house? Check. Being away from my mom? Check. Not being able to sleep at night? Terribly afraid of it.
So as she thought to herself about taking my pills away from me, she instead comforted me and wiped my tears away, and I knew that with her help I can make it. I am strong. I guess it’s because I’ll never forget laying in the hospital bed afraid to fall asleep because I might die.
Today we called my doctor to change medications, but they were kind enough to squeeze me in between appointments. As of now I take 11 pills a day. I take Lithium (1350mg), Klonopin (2mg), Zoloft (50mg), Abilify (15mg), Temazapam (30mg), and migraine medicine daily.
I know people say that you learn to control/deal with it, but I haven’t got the hang of it yet. I know there’s no “magical” pill, but I try and I’m still not stable. Finding the right meds is a major step. I’m hoping these new meds will help me in the right direction, because I’m just drained and feeling like my life is so far out of control at the moment I may never be okay.
Manic.
I’m always restless and can never sleep. I’m pacing around deciding what to do next at 3am. I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin, can’t concentrate, and my anxiety just won’t. go. away. Recently I stopped taking my pills (bad I know) because I feel like they don’t help. They’ll be good for a few weeks and then we have to switch them up and it’s so frustrating. Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather be manic than depressed, but I’m going for stable this year.
Anyway, usually I’m a bit more exciting for being manic I suppose, but my camera, which is like my lifeline, died. I just ordered this and it’s coming tomorrow so expect something (or lots of somethings) becuase I’m sure i won’t put this down for like ever:
And since my birthday is in two weeks, I couldn’t stop there… I got myself another early present (bad Jess… but totally worth it):
Squeal!
Happy New Year!
I went to bed at 11pm but couldn’t sleep. When it turned midnight I cried. It happens every year for some unknown reason. And then I ended the night with endless episodes of my new favorite show. Seriously, it’s addicting:
Score!
I love visiting people’s blogs and seeing all the deals they find with coupons, but I’m definitely not good at it unless it consists of shopping at Goodwill. But today when I was on the search for mineral makeup, I happened to stumble upon the makeup sale at CVS.
The mineral foundation/blush were buy one get one 1/2 off, the mineral veil was 40% off, the nails were 75% off, the lip color was 50% off, and the eye liner was regular price. I saved $20 though and that’s good enough for me!
I also found these which will come in helpful with one of my new year’s resolutions (and were also on clearance for $24 down from $60):
I think I did pretty good for one day. Although the shoes are almost too pretty to wear to the gym 
