I just want everybody (anybody?) that i’m doing okay. The past month has been a really hard one. Not only do I go to group therapy weekly, I started seeing a counselor one-on-one weekly. I’ve had a lot of anger built up against my mom because of my childhood and because of things that are still happening right now. I still have crazy manic episodes where I feel like I’m totally out of my mind freaking out and my mom threatens to send me to the hospital. My meds? Are more stable than they’ve been in a long while except that as they keep upping them, I consistenly gain 10+ lbs a month and sleep until 1-2pm every day. Last night I forgot to take my meds and I got 40 minutes of sleep. I hate that I have to rely on pills to help me function daily, but I’m learning to accept it.

I know it probably sounds like all I do is whine, and I accept that, it’s just that I honestly don’t think I’ve accepted the bipolar thing and I still “why me, it isn’t fair.” But I can tell you I’m trying harder than ever.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but I have this really terrible problem & I’m not sure what it is (neither are the doctors). It feels like a mix of anxiety and boredom and crawling out of my skin and it’s a constant feeling since February. They think it’s possibly a side effect, but I doubt it because when I went inpatient they took me off of all my meds and re-started me on new stuff & it still isn’t helping. It is honestly the worst feeling in the world.

But you know what? Today was a gorgeous day. Therapy was fun. I went shopping with my adorable niece, we saw Harry Potter & ate burgers at Applebees, and put all the windows down in the car and sang Lady Gaga loudly and off key. And although it doesn’t seem like much, it gives me so much hope and appreciation and I’m extremely thankful to be alive, to have an amazing family & friends, and to even know someone out there might care. Thanks Krista <3

/end ramble

Is the definition of my latest manic episode. Last week when I finally got to see my new Psychiatrist I might have possibly been bragging about how I don’t have many manic episodes anymore.

Enter puppy.

Getting her was a totally spontaneous (and expensive) decision. I suppose I thought like some married couples having trouble do- that maybe having a kid (puppy) will make things better! Maybe I’ll be able to get out of bed before 3pm to take her out! Maybe taking her for walks will help me shed off the 50 lbs I’ve gained over the past year on meds! Maybe she’ll give me motivation and something to look forward to every day!

Wrong. Wrong. & Wrong.

It’s harder than ever to get out of bed. After a few hours of having her, I got totally depressed and swear (shamefully) to you that I locked myself in my room leaving my mom to take care of pup. I’ve been up & down since.

Today someone came to look at her and hopefully will take her home tomorrow. It’s so sad for me to think about, even though I know she’s going to be in a good home. I sorta feel like everything I do in life… ends up in regret. And I wish I could be the person who says they don’t regret anything because they’ve learned from mistakes, but alas, not only do I never learn, I just end up falling into a depression.

And repeat.

If there’s anything I’ve learned after being diagnosed as Bipolar, it’s that I would feel completely selfish and could never live with myself for bringing a child into the world. That might possibly end up with my lovely genes. The overdosing, arguing, screaming, crying, smiling, up & down and back around again episodes? Yea, would push me right over the edge for sure. Sometimes I can’t fathom why my family hasn’t chucked my belongings into the yard by now, because I? Could not put up with my shit.

If there’s anything better than being an anxiety & insomnia ridden bipolar…just keep it far, far away out of Seroquel’s reach.

I sprained my foot. I started group therapy. I thought I was doing good.. except for the fact that I keep bursting out into tears over nothing.

Hmm.

This just occured to me: I’m afraid to finish anything because I’m afraid I won’t have anything else to look forward to.. I think that’s a big problem lately. I just don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to in life.

I’ve been walking every day. It’s definitely been helping with the depression.

I also had my intake assesment today. I start group therapy Wednesday!

So after I got out of the hospital for my second time this year, things went downhill again. This time I was hospitalized for severe anxiety. It was so bad I couldn’t sit still or concentrate for any amount of time. It was mentally and physically excrutiating to deal with.

My doctor and I didn’t get along. He took me off all of my bipolar medications and instead gave me Haldol (it worked wonders in the ER) and Seroquel to sleep. By the time I got home, the Haldol was making me drool, see double, feel/act zombie-like so I stopped taking it.

A week or so went by and I was feeling good, but then the depression kicked in so severely that I couldn’t even get out of bed except to eat. And I mean really eat- Pizza Hut, KFC, Taco Bell- all in one sitting. My mom threatened more than once to call the Crisis Center. I’m so afraid to go back to the hospital though, so I’m trying really, especially hard to get through this.

I can’t find a psychiatrist or therapist to take the medical assistance I have, so I haven’t been able to get any medicine to help. I know pills aren’t everything, but when you have an imbalance of chemicals in your brain, it can help greatly. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with books, movies, and talking.. it seems to be helping so far. I am trying to get into a program at our local hospital that consists of intensive group therapy. I hate, hate, hate group therapy but I need to do something.. and that is looking like my only option getting me into a doctor.

Staying as positive as possible.

XOXO,
Jess

I’m around. Just working on a few things and sleeping a lot. Therapy is on hold right now because I’m too tired to drive the hour there… they’re trying to transfer me closer. I’ll be back soon. Hope everyone is doing good

So I thought coming home would be the end of the suicidal trauma. But of course not. I didn’t want to see my old Psychiatrist and Therapist, so the hospital referred me to a partial program which means I have group therapy every day for 8 hours. An hour away from where I live. For at least a month or so. It’s so boring and I feel like I’m being punished. The good thing is the Psychiatrist they have knocked me back from 8 meds to 2, and decided that I only need to go 3 days a week. It’s still frustrating though. I just wanna be back to normal again…. but then I remembered the Serenity Prayer

I won’t go into details- the psych ward is never fun- but I learned a lot, got my meds changed, and am ready to move on with my life and attempt to be healthier in every way I can.

Right after I got out I went to buy gym shoes. They’re cute pink Adidas’ that were marked down $59 from $115. I also got some vitamins, a pill seperator so I don’t forget to take anything, ultimate de-stress yoga, and a laptop (even though that doesn’t really pertain to the health deal).

I’m trying not to think about bipolar at all. I’m sort of pretending I don’t have it so I don’t use it as an excuse like I used to all the time. I’m still tired a lot, but I’m trying to get through it.

The other day I also got my official acceptance into Phlebotomy school which starts on March 16th. I’m planning to get my First Aid/CPR certification on March 2nd also. Good thing, because I already bought the textbook. I can’t wait to start, and I know I’ll do great

What’s everyone else been upto?