Hello?

I just want everybody (anybody?) that i’m doing okay. The past month has been a really hard one. Not only do I go to group therapy weekly, I started seeing a counselor one-on-one weekly. I’ve had a lot of anger built up against my mom because of my childhood and because of things that are still happening right now. I still have crazy manic episodes where I feel like I’m totally out of my mind freaking out and my mom threatens to send me to the hospital. My meds? Are more stable than they’ve been in a long while except that as they keep upping them, I consistenly gain 10+ lbs a month and sleep until 1-2pm every day. Last night I forgot to take my meds and I got 40 minutes of sleep. I hate that I have to rely on pills to help me function daily, but I’m learning to accept it.

I know it probably sounds like all I do is whine, and I accept that, it’s just that I honestly don’t think I’ve accepted the bipolar thing and I still “why me, it isn’t fair.” But I can tell you I’m trying harder than ever.

I’m not sure if I mentioned it, but I have this really terrible problem & I’m not sure what it is (neither are the doctors). It feels like a mix of anxiety and boredom and crawling out of my skin and it’s a constant feeling since February. They think it’s possibly a side effect, but I doubt it because when I went inpatient they took me off of all my meds and re-started me on new stuff & it still isn’t helping. It is honestly the worst feeling in the world.

But you know what? Today was a gorgeous day. Therapy was fun. I went shopping with my adorable niece, we saw Harry Potter & ate burgers at Applebees, and put all the windows down in the car and sang Lady Gaga loudly and off key. And although it doesn’t seem like much, it gives me so much hope and appreciation and I’m extremely thankful to be alive, to have an amazing family & friends, and to even know someone out there might care. Thanks Krista <3

/end ramble

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